Cunnilingus. Even the word itself seems more complicated than it has to be. But when it come to stimulating her down there, the numbers don’t lie: 30 to 50 percent of women say they cannot reach an orgasm through intercourse alone. And there are 8000 nerve endings on the visible nub of the clitoris to navigate (twice as many as the penis). You do the math.
Luckily, we’re here to help, breaking down all the tips, tricks and techniques you need to wow your woman tonight in a simple six-step plan. Consider it your final oral exam.
1. Take the initiative.
Oral sex is not just foreplay anymore, explains Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a sexuality counselor and author of She Comes First, “It should be considered core-play.” Only about 43 percent of women can climax through penetration alone (most need direct clitoral stimulation). In order to fulfill all her needs, you’ll have to put those mouth muscles to work—and the best move is to dive in eagerly. “You should let her know how much the thought of going down on her turns you on. Plant ideas into her head as to what you’d love to do to her,” says Yvonne Fulbright, Ph.D., a sexologist and author of The Best Oral Sex Ever—His Guide to Going Down. And once you’re down there, Fulbright suggests “making noises, which will indicate to her that you’re into it,” putting any libido-lowering insecurities she may have to rest.
2. Be flexible.
One ex might have loved your go-to oral sex move while another woman may hate it. “No two people are alike in what turns them on, so you need to be adaptive in your techniques, positions, etc.,” says Fulbright. Keep an open mind when it comes to feedback—and be prepared to observe. “Watch her please herself,” suggests Molly Adler, a sexuality educator at Selfservetoys.com. “You will learn how she likes to be stimulated and get a great show. Get to know her body by paying attention to what she likes. And if she doesn’t know what she loves yet, figure it out together.” By taking the time to experiment what works for her as you explore her body, you’ll become more focused on the overall journey instead of the orgasm outcome.
3. Start slow, finish strong.
Arousal is a process. As women get more excited, the types of sensations desired will vacillate. “In general, you should start off light and delicate. Very rhythmic,” explains Kerner. “Throughout the process, you should apply more pressure and more stimulation. What might have been uncomfortable at the beginning might be comfortable for her at the end.” The most common mistake is to start rough or too intense, so warm up her entire vulva first before focusing in on the clitoris. “Once she’s warmed up, bring her G-spot [which is basically the first inch to two inches of the vagina] to life while massaging her clitoris with the tip of your tongue,” suggests Fullbright, adding that you should become familiar with all of her erogenous zones (here’s a quick primer). The trick is to indirectly stimulate body parts that can become overly sensitive, like rubbing her mons pubis to give her clitoris a breather.
4. Let her do some of the work.
Reading a woman’s body language is the best way to monitor the amount of pressure and speed you should use—and she can help you set the pace. “You don’t necessarily want to make like a cobra by going super fast or getting super fancy with your swirls. But you want to apply a point of resistance,” says Kerner, noting that—just as when a woman is on top during intercourse—you can allow her to control movement and pressure as you go down on her. And, of course, it helps to pay attention to what she’s doing up above. Nonverbal cues, like a squeeze of your hand, clenching the sheets or running her fingers through your hair, are easy to follow. “If she is responding with excitement to what you are doing, keep doing it. Not harder or faster, just exactly the same way,” says Adler.
5. Use your fingers as extra instruments.
When combined with direct clitoral stimulation, finger action is the key to turning a little G-spot teasing into a full-blown orgasm. As you lick her clitoris with your tongue, “slowly and gently insert a well-lubed—and well-coiffed—finger into the vaginal canal,” suggests Adler. “Curve your fingers upward while maintaining direct clitoral stimulation, either with your tongue or a vibrator. Then move your fingers gently in and out of her vaginal canal while pressing firmly upward.” The response will be explosive.
6. Mix up positions.
“The preferred position is going to be very individual, boiling down to her comfort with the action and how much she wants to be in charge, versus being a more laidback receiver,” explains Fulbright. “Being on her back gives her less control over what’s being stimulated and with what kind of intensity, while ’69’ can have her less focused on her own reactions as she tries to pleasure her partner.” In general, the more a position exposes her clitoris, the greater the sensations and intensity of the action she’ll experience. To explore different types of oral sex maneuvers, check out the Men’s Health Position Playbook.